Peanut by Julie Ann Narans

My sweet, gentle, baby girl Peanut. From the moment I saw you, I knew you were my dog. It was like we were waiting for each other. The love and bond between us was immediate. I was going through such a difficult situation and you stood by me the whole time offering you unconditional love. You were the only thing I could count on being there for me. You became my best friend. I was only with you for 6 short years, but you will be with me my whole life.

I know I subjected you to various surgeries while you were alive. Having this tumor removed and this bump taken off. They all showed no signs of cancer and so I started to not worry about it. I still have the t-shirt I tailored for you after one of your surgeries. You had to wear it so you wouldn’t rub on your incision. It was a red shirt, a little girls size one, and it had a heart and wings on the back side with the word “Princess”. It was a shirt made just perfect for you. You wore it so proud!

Then the last surgery you had gave me the worst news I could have ever heard. The vet just quietly said – I can give you the number of a good canine cancer center. The treatments were going to be very expensive and some friends and family expressed that instead of spending the money on Peanut, I should keep it in savings for when I really need it. Well this was an example of when I really needed it. There was no way I wasn’t going to fight as hard as I could for your life. I know that medicine made you feel so sick and tired and I’m sorry for making you take it. But I think you forgave me because if I would sit down on the bed or couch, you were always there, right by my side. I miss you so much.

You know what I mean when I say “I’m sorry I wasn’t there – I didn’t leave because of something you did or because you had an accident in the house. The last thing I wanted to do was abandon you when you needed me most. I’m so sorry in your final moments, I was nowhere to be found – that will hurt me for the rest of my life. But while you were mine, I loved you so much and did as much as I could to give you the wonderful life you deserved. I still love you so much, I always will. It still hurts you are gone. You are my baby “Nubby”.

I know you are in a better, pain and cancer free place now with St. Francis watching over you and all your friends playing in the fields and chasing around your favorite tennis balls. I always make sure to check in with St. Francis from time to time and ask him to let you know how much I still love you. I love you so much. I will always love you. You have left a paw print on my heart.